What Does It Take To Be Happy?

Happiness…..perhaps one of the most illusory and abstract ideas that seldom finds expression in words. And if happiness is such then love is even more abstract because we are probably in a perpetual search for its meaning but fail to understand it each time. Having said that, small incidents, at times, open our eyes and make us realize the value of LIFE.

Although I consider myself a very optimistic person, I have a habit of feeling down, disappointed or just not in mood rather frequently. The reasons are usually work related pressures, anxieties or simply a boring weekend. So, even when I have good food to eat, people to take care and comfort items to make my life smooth, I still long for something and that perhaps, is complete happiness. And in such moments, I get reminded of this 12 years old girl named Laxmi, who at some point of time, worked and stayed at our place, compelled by the poverty of her family and the willingness of her mother to make her daughter earn. Laxmi was a very simple, innocent village girl with a curiosity in everything. She was ever hungry for food so much so that she was even found eating the stuffs left on our plates after dinner, carefully avoiding our attention while doing so. My uncle, her employer, criticized and made fun of her (especially whenever she would upset her stomach) but I realized and felt bad at the thought that how much of deprivation can lead to such behavior on her part.

Getting back to the story, once one of my aunts (father’s sister) was supposed to bring my mother a lump sum amount of money for some gold ornaments that have already been made from a local jewelry shop.  Coming back from school, I realized that something has went terribly wrong and that the small purse with that money (some 10k) she carried separately was missing. Her handbag, the regular purse inside it and everything else was intact. Just as the grief over the loss was fading, considering that it was probably destined to happen, the entire suspicion rested on the poor, little Laxmi. Everyone was moreorless sure that it was her work, perhaps prompted by her parents and chances are that the purse was waiting to be handed over to Laxmi’s mother, the next day she came to meet her.

My parents and aunt were decent enough not to interrogate her on this but their attitude towards her changed, saddest part was that the little one was not as sensitive as us to realize it. Days passed, the grandeur of the incident faded and then one fine morning, Laxmi comes up to my mother and gives her a small, wet purse that was lying near the drain, adjacent to the area where utensils were washed. The purse was actually blocking the water flow and Laxmi, just out of her curiosity had put her hand in to find it. She has never felt the urge to open the purse to look into its contents. The poor girl was proud to have solved the drain blockage problem and that was it.

Since, Laxmi was never interrogated on the so far assumed theft, my family members never felt the need to reward her for getting the purse (how it got there remained unrealized, it was probably an act of carelessness on my aunt’s part, who might have left it in the ground floor toilet, which connected to the drain). In an act of kind gesture, I brought Laxmi a pack of Cadbury celebrations and the expression on her face was the one I still get reminded of whenever I try to make myself happy. She was fed regularly but this chocolate pack was like a world of cookies and cadburys opening up before her. I have never been so happy, nor seen someone so happy with any kind of food, dresses, luxury items or anything else in my life. Laxmi was lucky and blessed than all of us to find true happiness and that was because she was expecting nothing out of life and was grateful for whatever little she had. The bit of extra, however small, therefore, made her genuinely happy.

Not going further, it was the extension of this incident that made me find the true meaning of love as well. About some fifteen days after I had gifted the chocolate, Laxmi’s mother came to pay her the monthly visit and take away the major part of her earnings from her. I was shocked and ashamed to see that Laxmi had kept aside two chocolate bars for both of her brothers. I would have probably never done that for my sibling, if I had one. What else can be defined as Love when a poor, food loving little girl preserves a part of what she has for the people she loves and cares about.

And what better way of celebrating love and happiness than remembering the example that an underprivileged, young girl had once set before you!

Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy: Stirring, Impactful and a Little Unreal

British author E.L James’ erotic trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed needs no introduction. The book, which is more of a phenomenon and is waiting to be released as a film soon, has witnessed sale of 20 million copies in the USA. The blindfolds, the leather cuffs, the “red room of pain” and above all, the multi-millionaire and super-hot young entrepreneur Christian Grey has found a permanent place in women’s book shelves and hearts.

Having not so much interest in the erotic genre or the likes of it, I started off reading the first part out of sheer curiosity and hearing highly appreciative words about the book from my friends. What followed is an extreme addiction that continued for a month or two within which I finished all the three. What’s more, the trilogy had a profound impact on me not for the so- called BDSM, the explicit sexual descriptions or the idea of a man existing only in someone’s dreams. It is the evolving of romance, understanding and passion between two people that kept me hooked and what a remarkable evolution it was!! The book led me to believe that love can be powerful enough to wipe out a person’s inner demons and inspire him/her towards a better life. However illusory the belief is, the feel is certainly good.

Coming to what I liked and did not like about the trilogy. Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have an instant connection right from the beginning. And regardless of the contradicting intentions of the individual characters (Christian wanting Ana to be his submissive and Ana finding Christian irresistible), the connection and the sparkling passion is vividly portrayed by James. Although BDSM is the central concept to the book, it hardly finds its expression in an offensive or derogatory way. This is primarily because the related interactions and process makes the 21 years old sexually inexperienced Ana realize her innate inclinations too. Christian Grey says on one occasion, “We are consenting adults and what we do behind closed doors is between ourselves. You need to free your mind and listen to your body”.

The sexually explicit scenes that are in plenty are mostly sweet, seductive and very, very spontaneous. It is never just two bodies making love. The affection and the ignited passion are there throughout. The 2^nd book in the series, Fifty Shades Darker marks the evolution of the relationship in the best way though with a little dose of drama too. In the last one, I particularly liked the last few chapters that were devoid of any sex whatsoever and focused entirely on Anastasia and her wise and brave ways. Christian asking Ana, in a phase of misunderstanding, if it was always for the money, then she can take it all, makes one pity the powerful man. All the other characters apart from the protagonists are also portrayed well and add value to the story. Christian’s gradual revelation of his birth history, his childhood with the Greys, his disturbed adolescence with Mrs. Robinson and finally his developing into a dominant is pretty much convincing.

James’ ending of the book with Christian and Ana bringing up their kid was perhaps with the intention of pointing out to the power and strength of true love and real passion that never ends or are not supposed to end. After all, the dumping of the book as “mommy porn” by some critics, according to me, is clearly unjustified.

Now, a bit of criticism. I personally believe that Christian Grey could have been a little less talented and lesser rich.  That he has everything under control and can gift anything to his lady love or take her anywhere across the world for he has the money overshadows the genuineness of the desire to give. Anastasia’s inner monologues are fine initially but her continuous references to her sex craving “inner goddess” and a more mature “subconscious” gets boring and monotonous. Moreover, at certain points, I felt like she was a little too insecure in spite of quite a few men including the villain of the story, showing either romantic or sexual interest in her.

That’s it. I can go on discussing it but that would be trying your patience. Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is addictive, impactful and quite one of a kind. And for all those who have loved it, I am sure you are waiting for the movie just as I am looking forward to it.

The Girl in the Toto Rickshaw and a Flash of Memories

Just a week ago, on a certain Sunday, I was returning from a mall a little far from my place after having a hair cut at a beauty salon. Very much like the other days, the monsoon showers had been showing their presence in full swing now and then. Rains are indeed mysterious and so the moment I stepped out of the mall, I could see and feel that a heavy shower had just stopped notwithstanding the fact that it was absolutely sunny just an hour earlier. The terrible road conditions and ongoing road construction works around the place led to quite a messy situation. Autos, rickshaws, buses and the new found toto rickshaws (a mixed breed of auto and rickshaw as perceived by me) were queuing up leading to heavy traffic. I managed to cross the road and was lucky enough to find a toto rickshaw going towards the direction where I live. I got into the vehicle in which an older woman, a young girl and a kid of 3-4 years were already sitting.

The kid seemed to be terrified and extremely worried for some reason. Her innocent and bubbly face exhibited signs of fear and it touched me instantly. From their conversation, I could soon understand that the baby was almost frightened by the water logged streets and the way the small van-like vehicle waded through the waters. I could also guess that the toto was perhaps about to topple while moving through the water-logged parts of the streets. This has instilled so much panic in the little girl that she was not being able to get rid of her fears even though now, there was no water in the streets nor was it raining any more. While the older lady made attempts at making her understand how safe she is, the younger one found this very funny, which was quite obvious of her age.

This small and rather insignificant incidence suddenly brought back a whole lot of memories as though in a flash of moment, memories of my childhood and the awkward, strange fears that I had about certain things.

As a child, I was extremely introvert to the point of avoiding the company of relatives and friends, except for a few really close ones. I was brought up largely by my grandmother and was extremely attached to her. Once, we, my father, mother and I went to a family friend’s place somewhere in Kolkata. It was a get together among the members of Rotary Club, of which my father was and still is an active member.

Although we lived quite far and had to return by taxi (we did not own a car at that time), we could not leave such gatherings before 10 PM as the dinner started not before 9 PM. It was around 8.30 when my parents were busy socializing and I was left with children of my age (8-10 roughly). The weather had been rough since the morning; however, the sky broke in heavy rain with intense thunder and lightning from around 8 PM. The inclement weather outside coupled with the anxiety about our means of getting back home troubled me immensely. I was constantly reminded of my grandmother, felt extremely bothered about the fact that she was alone and would be even more worried if we were late. Being an imaginative kid, I drew an unfavorable picture in my mind and to the surprise of everyone present in the party, I burst out crying.

The uncles and auntys’ were taken aback. My parents gauged that my tears were the results of accumulated tensions. Yet, the reason behind such a reaction was not worthy of being explained to anyone, neither by my parents nor by me. After all, who weeps due to rains and the perceived trouble in getting back home especially when you have your parents with you? The situation eased gradually but the humiliation and the awkwardness left an indelible mark in my memory.

The little girl in the toto reminded me of this and many more of such apparently ridiculous and baseless fears I had.

Today, as I proclaim myself to be an independent woman, capable of looking after myself and providing emotional support to my partner and the respective families, those situations from the past does not make me laugh but actually make me feel victorious. I have overcome not only the trivial fears and anxieties but have also adapted myself to the unpredictability of life. And I owe immensely to my father, who had taken much care to transform me from a shy, introvert girl to an outspoken, reliable lady. The transformation had been so smooth and gradual that I never felt any lack of love and care for the person that I was once upon a time. In fact, even today, I nurture that delicate, soft, insecure and vulnerable corner in my heart (which I hardly let people know about) and it is perhaps because of this that I could relate so strongly to the little girl in the toto.

The Recipe of Marriage: From a Lay (Wo)man about to Cook!

As I complete 25 years of my age and stand at that point of life where a new beginning awaits me, I try to look ahead and question myself, Am I all set for this new responsibility? Am I capable of looking after myself, my parents, my extended family members and most of all, a person who is supposed to be my priority and with whom my life will be intricately linked henceforth? Do I understand the true meaning of marriage?

Planning to get married and being successful in choosing the right person (there is nothing as the right person though and its all subjective) has a lot of difference. Quite similarly, having an affair, spending loads of time or even being intimate is a lot different from imagining your life with someone, planning ahead for the future keeping both of your interests in mind.

Being quite an observer and rather speculative by nature, I have seen very successful marriages, the not so happy ones and even those that would make the very idea of marriage nightmarish. Well, with all my optimism about the existence of true love and lasting relationships and the insights I have gathered from here and there, I would say that marriage is worth giving a shot for sure. If it works out, you are guaranteed with a lifetime of bliss that equals to all the pleasures in the world.

I might sound immature and quite a lay (wo)man but for me, marriage is a delicious recipe, the taste of which stays only if the ingredients are all present and in right amount.

Firstly, it is better not to expect your partner to value you if you do not present yourself as being worthy of his/her love, affection and attention. So, love yourself always.

Be independent not just in terms of money but in words, thoughts and actions. Marriage, these days, is mutually inclusive which requires each partner to support the other. Be sorted out yourself so that you can give your suggestions, advice and inputs to your partner. There should be no situation in which both falls weak and nor should there be just one partner who will always have to stand strong.

Who says arranged marriages lack love? Not being biased at all and with experiences of having an affair as well as dating someone in an arranged framework, I would say that the latter is way stronger and more mature. True, love takes time but it does happen in different ways. Mental compatibility, connection, sharing, adjustments, respect, trust and a lot of other things make the union more cherished. If marriages are made in heaven and if at all love is all about actions and not expressing emotions, an arranged marriage is perhaps the perfect example.

It is often very easy to say that giving space is necessary but very difficult to execute. There are no rules to be followed and no strategies to be devised. Just remember that individuality and independence are must. Anything that curbs your growth as an individual or stops you from developing further is simply not worth having, be it a marriage or anything else.

If all these are supposed to be the ingredients of a recipe called marriage, physical attractiveness and intimacy is certainly the salt. Consistently trying to be more attractive and accommodating the likes and dislikes of your partner is just another way of self development which also adds spice to the union, allowing it to rise from the mundane to that much desired one. This is as much justifiable for men as for women as women might be less visual than men but their eyes loiter around no less. Well, spicy foods are perhaps a bit more preferred by women than men so....

Phew! Much said about marriage and stuff. Avoiding pessimism, a glaring issue of the coming of a third person in either of the partner’s life bothers many. Remember, we can get us something, treasure it, value it above everything and show it all our love. Now, whether it falls off itself or gets affected by the slightest blow of wind or a collision from outside is out of our control. Doubts and suspiciousness will never prevent this blowing off or collision from taking place.

Not all relationships in the world are supposed to last a lifetime nor are they under our control. All that we can do and must try to do is cook a recipe, the taste of which lasts long and refuses to leave the taste buds even when other recipes are available. Sounds weird perhaps but marriage is indeed the belief in the possibility of falling in love with the same person each time and all over again. (Belief in the possibility till it becomes actually possible :))

One last thing for those whose patience has been tried and tested by now, there is no age, no time, no binding to get married. Marriage is good, its important, its worth treasuring and its worth fighting for but it is not the be all and end all of life and it never will be so. Listen to your heart and wait for the right person to come..All the best folks!!!