3 Tips On How To Maintain Individuality After Marriage

Marriage is an important event in our lives. Here are 3 tips on how to maintain individuality after marriage. This is important. We need our true selves.

As a firm believer in the institution of marriage, I have never really understood the logic behind some of my friends’ idea of a married life as similar to being locked somewhere and left without the key. Well, to say the least, I have always made it a point to find the right person though the idea of the right person is elusive too. For me, a husband should be a best friend, a strong support system and most importantly, one who treats me as an independent individual with choices and a lifestyle of my own. This individuality factor had always been a crucial fact of life for me so much so that I often remind myself of being my own self even though I usually am, irrespective of situations.

It’s now three months since I am married to a person I was sure of during the courtship period itself. I am the daughter-in-law of a family that has embraced me in a way that is much beyond a girl could expect. However, I still believe that maintaining individuality is a challenge for all married women, post marriage. The reasons are many. Firstly, every family and household has a set of rules or perhaps way of doing things would be an appropriate term. Also, the sudden role change from being a carefree daughter to a supposed-to-be responsible daughter-in-law brings intrinsic consciousness in a lady who is even slightly bothered about doing justice to the new role.

While I, being a contemporary working woman with a man and a family who treats me equal, have to struggle less in maintaining my individuality, there are many who might end up losing out on who they are and keep adapting to ways that are forced upon them.

From my little experience, here are few tips for all the married women out there to uphold and cherish their individual self.

Differentiate between concern and advice

Understand that every statement about your dressing style, food habit or way of life, is neither a criticism nor a negative remark. Take them as suggestions for you can never deny that a person who really cares for you is bound to give you some advice, which is right according to them and unjustified for you. Remember our mothers, pestering us on a lot of things? So, basically, we need to draw a fine line between care and the desire of the other person to force things upon you. The best way is to keep your mind free of pre-conceived ideas and assumptions and listen to what others have to say. It is always up to you to follow them or not.

Be calm and watch it reap long-term results

There will be many instances when you will feel the need to oppose the other person and put your point across to avoid being burdened by others’ choices. And believe me, the good news is any sensible person, regardless of whether she is your mother-in-law, a distant relative or even your husband, will understand and value your logic.

Remember, how you say it is often more important than what you say and that’s the catchword here. Unless the situation really demands you to be aggressively vocal, keep your calm and be polite always. Once you master the skill, you will realize that no one can really shake you off from what you think, feel and do. The added benefit is that there will always be positivity around, which is so essential for a healthy family life.

Build and cherish a world of your own

One last word. I know that all of us are aware of the importance of keeping ourselves busy in some kind of productive work that we like, Indian women usually fail to do so after marriage. Just the other day, one of my friend’s wife, who is also a dear friend, confessed to me that she should have started working before marriage instead of looking for a job post marriage. The reason she gave was that she would then have spent a major part of the day outside home and probably come back home with her husband, which might have been better than having to stay with the in-laws after the husband went to office. The way she put it was perhaps wrong, what she meant was probably the lack of involvement in other activities apart from the household ones that bothered her and made her regret.


It is not a job but a passion, an interest, an activity of your own that shapes you as an individual and there is no better way of maintaining individuality than doing something exclusive for you and being happy in the process.

Belaseshe: A Heart Warming Take on Marriage and More

A movie that leaves you with not only a long-lasting effect but a realization about marriage, relationships and life as a whole is rare. Belaseshe, directed by the talented duo Shibaprasad Mukherjee and Nandita Roy is indeed, one of its kind. As characteristic of the late Suchitra Bhattacharjee’s stories, this one too presents a situation that is so very identifiable, questions relevant issues that plague moreorless every marriage in the modern society and then provides the answers in a way that the readers/viewers are left baffled and satisfied at the same time.

To begin with, I must confess that the movie Belaseshe has portrayed a upper-middle class Bengali family in a manner so vivid that few directors could have attempted.  The storyline is simple. Biswanath Majumder and Arati Majumder is a septuagenarian couple with three daughters, son-in-laws, a son, daughter-in-law and grandsons and granddaughters. Following a family get-together just after the Durga Puja, Mr. Majumder expresses his wish to get divorced from his wife after 49 years of marriage leaving the entire family shocked to the core. Biswanamath Majumder explains the reasons behind his decision in front of the judge at the court. He believed that the marriage is a lifeless one, which has become more of a habit and hence, a burden for him. Mrs Arati, on the other hand, confesses that she loves her husband and is willing to take any step that makes him happy. The judge advises the couple to go for a trip and consider their decision over a span of 15 days. The family, all together, goes for a vacation and it is during this time that they explore the problems in each of their relationships and try finding an answer. The conflicts certainly vary for the different generations but the prominent issue that appears again and again is that of the relationships falling into a habit and losing the fervor they should have to be a lifetime one.

It is needless to mention that the actors do utmost justice to the characters they play. The curiosity of the one of the son-in-laws to know about what’s actually cooking in the life of his father-in-law evokes humor. Very seldom do you come across a film that makes you laugh and cry alike throughout 2 hours 30 minutes. As the story unfolds, it turns out that Biswanath Majumder wanted to make his wife less dependent on him and so, his decision to live separately from her. Also, their expectations from life were entirely different. The wife explains that love for her is the smell of the towel he leaves behind after bath and that for her; there is no difference between loving a husband and loving a family altogether.

Dissecting the film too much wouldn’t probably do justice to the subtlety with which the focal point is established and revolved around. Now, the point is while I loved the film, I also felt that the dynamics that work for the older couple shown in the film would not work for wives today, who are supposedly on an equal platform with their husbands and are no way dependent on the latter. Also, the compromises that the 70 year old woman could then make are hardly even considered by us. So, what is the message that we can derive?

The message is that modern generation couples like us should continually strive to keep rejuvenating our relationships. A heart-baring conversation, a walk together, a revisiting of memories together can work wonders in preventing marriage/relationship from becoming lifeless. As for the habit part, what’s wrong if it’s a habit worth cherishing!

It’s Time To Change The Regressive Role Of Women In TV Soaps!

The role of women in TV soaps in India is primarily to thwart the goals of male characters or gang up against other women. It’s high time to change and get real!

I am not a regular consumer of TV soaps and serials. In the very little time that I get for watching TV, I prefer to follow the dance and music reality shows. The contestants, aspiring for a career in music or dance despite coming from rather underprivileged family background inspire you, infuse in you the belief that nothing is unachievable.

However, some of my family members (aunts, aunt-in-law etc), watch the daily soaps regularly and I take occasional glances while sipping tea or munching snacks. During such times, I get a glimpse of the stories, the family dramas and the portrayal of women these shows put up.

We are living at a time when women have reached heights of success in every field. Even Bollywood has dared to create female characters whose fathers are not ashamed to speak of their daughter’s fiercely independent nature, both emotionally and physically. Then, why do the serials keep portraying women in such terribly regressive light? If the silver screen at all has to have an impact on viewers, why does the impact have to be so negative and undesirable!

These serials that can easily boast of thousands of consumers revolve around specific themes. So, you either have two or more women trying their best to hold back a prominent male figure or the good daughter-in-law taking up the blame for the misdeeds of each and every member in the family. I will give a very short example to put forth my point that is: these soaps are taking women backwards.

Just the other day, I was watching a serial called “Gouridan”, which is the story of a girl who has been married of at the age of 8 into a very affluent, traditional household, located in the interiors of West Bengal. The head of the family is a controlling widow dressed all in white and wearing quite some amount of make-up, having a say in everyone’s life. Now, the 30-minute episode begins with a young lady being ill-treated for being infertile, the widow asking her not to go to a temple because she would probably never be able to become a mother. Did anyone just say that a women’s feminity is not affected by her ability/inability to conceive?

Did anyone just say that a women’s feminity is not affected by her ability/inability to conceive?

Well, we move on the next scene where this same lady is in tears, hurt by the harsh words of her grand mother-in-law. She is sitting in front of a gas oven, cooking a meal for may be some 50 people, as evident from the size of the cookware. At this point, the sister-in-law comes in to taunt her further on the same point, to which the victimized lady explains that she is not infertile and has earlier carried a baby, who unfortunately died after being born. And, the director wants us to believe that this explanation was equal to raising a voice against all that was being said to the lady! The irony is that viewers will perhaps be all happy and satisfied that the women retorted and never understand how unjustified is the issue that was raised and buried in no time.

As the show moves on, we find this very same lady tortured by her drunken husband, who believes her to be having an illicit affair.  The series of oppression does not remain restricted to this lady alone. The protagonist (the one married off at the age of 8), is shown forced by circumstances not to accompany her husband (thankfully a good one now) to the city, where he studies medicine. So, here again, we find one woman restricting the freedom of another woman to the extent of not letting her live with her husband!

We find one woman restricting the freedom of another woman to the extent of not letting her live with her husband.

I respect people in the Film and Television industry and sincerely believe that they have the potential to entertain us. Why then do they indulge in creating soaps that pull women backwards instead of rejuvenating in them the power and spirit of womanhood? I would like to see stories that portray the struggles of women, put them on an equal platform with the males or even depict male characters worthy of love, respect and admiration. I am sure the audience will still love it the same or even more rather than repeatedly watching women holding up the traditional, patriarchal values in spite of being locked up inside the household.

What Does It Take To Be Happy?

Happiness…..perhaps one of the most illusory and abstract ideas that seldom finds expression in words. And if happiness is such then love is even more abstract because we are probably in a perpetual search for its meaning but fail to understand it each time. Having said that, small incidents, at times, open our eyes and make us realize the value of LIFE.

Although I consider myself a very optimistic person, I have a habit of feeling down, disappointed or just not in mood rather frequently. The reasons are usually work related pressures, anxieties or simply a boring weekend. So, even when I have good food to eat, people to take care and comfort items to make my life smooth, I still long for something and that perhaps, is complete happiness. And in such moments, I get reminded of this 12 years old girl named Laxmi, who at some point of time, worked and stayed at our place, compelled by the poverty of her family and the willingness of her mother to make her daughter earn. Laxmi was a very simple, innocent village girl with a curiosity in everything. She was ever hungry for food so much so that she was even found eating the stuffs left on our plates after dinner, carefully avoiding our attention while doing so. My uncle, her employer, criticized and made fun of her (especially whenever she would upset her stomach) but I realized and felt bad at the thought that how much of deprivation can lead to such behavior on her part.

Getting back to the story, once one of my aunts (father’s sister) was supposed to bring my mother a lump sum amount of money for some gold ornaments that have already been made from a local jewelry shop.  Coming back from school, I realized that something has went terribly wrong and that the small purse with that money (some 10k) she carried separately was missing. Her handbag, the regular purse inside it and everything else was intact. Just as the grief over the loss was fading, considering that it was probably destined to happen, the entire suspicion rested on the poor, little Laxmi. Everyone was moreorless sure that it was her work, perhaps prompted by her parents and chances are that the purse was waiting to be handed over to Laxmi’s mother, the next day she came to meet her.

My parents and aunt were decent enough not to interrogate her on this but their attitude towards her changed, saddest part was that the little one was not as sensitive as us to realize it. Days passed, the grandeur of the incident faded and then one fine morning, Laxmi comes up to my mother and gives her a small, wet purse that was lying near the drain, adjacent to the area where utensils were washed. The purse was actually blocking the water flow and Laxmi, just out of her curiosity had put her hand in to find it. She has never felt the urge to open the purse to look into its contents. The poor girl was proud to have solved the drain blockage problem and that was it.

Since, Laxmi was never interrogated on the so far assumed theft, my family members never felt the need to reward her for getting the purse (how it got there remained unrealized, it was probably an act of carelessness on my aunt’s part, who might have left it in the ground floor toilet, which connected to the drain). In an act of kind gesture, I brought Laxmi a pack of Cadbury celebrations and the expression on her face was the one I still get reminded of whenever I try to make myself happy. She was fed regularly but this chocolate pack was like a world of cookies and cadburys opening up before her. I have never been so happy, nor seen someone so happy with any kind of food, dresses, luxury items or anything else in my life. Laxmi was lucky and blessed than all of us to find true happiness and that was because she was expecting nothing out of life and was grateful for whatever little she had. The bit of extra, however small, therefore, made her genuinely happy.

Not going further, it was the extension of this incident that made me find the true meaning of love as well. About some fifteen days after I had gifted the chocolate, Laxmi’s mother came to pay her the monthly visit and take away the major part of her earnings from her. I was shocked and ashamed to see that Laxmi had kept aside two chocolate bars for both of her brothers. I would have probably never done that for my sibling, if I had one. What else can be defined as Love when a poor, food loving little girl preserves a part of what she has for the people she loves and cares about.

And what better way of celebrating love and happiness than remembering the example that an underprivileged, young girl had once set before you!

Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy: Stirring, Impactful and a Little Unreal

British author E.L James’ erotic trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed needs no introduction. The book, which is more of a phenomenon and is waiting to be released as a film soon, has witnessed sale of 20 million copies in the USA. The blindfolds, the leather cuffs, the “red room of pain” and above all, the multi-millionaire and super-hot young entrepreneur Christian Grey has found a permanent place in women’s book shelves and hearts.

Having not so much interest in the erotic genre or the likes of it, I started off reading the first part out of sheer curiosity and hearing highly appreciative words about the book from my friends. What followed is an extreme addiction that continued for a month or two within which I finished all the three. What’s more, the trilogy had a profound impact on me not for the so- called BDSM, the explicit sexual descriptions or the idea of a man existing only in someone’s dreams. It is the evolving of romance, understanding and passion between two people that kept me hooked and what a remarkable evolution it was!! The book led me to believe that love can be powerful enough to wipe out a person’s inner demons and inspire him/her towards a better life. However illusory the belief is, the feel is certainly good.

Coming to what I liked and did not like about the trilogy. Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have an instant connection right from the beginning. And regardless of the contradicting intentions of the individual characters (Christian wanting Ana to be his submissive and Ana finding Christian irresistible), the connection and the sparkling passion is vividly portrayed by James. Although BDSM is the central concept to the book, it hardly finds its expression in an offensive or derogatory way. This is primarily because the related interactions and process makes the 21 years old sexually inexperienced Ana realize her innate inclinations too. Christian Grey says on one occasion, “We are consenting adults and what we do behind closed doors is between ourselves. You need to free your mind and listen to your body”.

The sexually explicit scenes that are in plenty are mostly sweet, seductive and very, very spontaneous. It is never just two bodies making love. The affection and the ignited passion are there throughout. The 2^nd book in the series, Fifty Shades Darker marks the evolution of the relationship in the best way though with a little dose of drama too. In the last one, I particularly liked the last few chapters that were devoid of any sex whatsoever and focused entirely on Anastasia and her wise and brave ways. Christian asking Ana, in a phase of misunderstanding, if it was always for the money, then she can take it all, makes one pity the powerful man. All the other characters apart from the protagonists are also portrayed well and add value to the story. Christian’s gradual revelation of his birth history, his childhood with the Greys, his disturbed adolescence with Mrs. Robinson and finally his developing into a dominant is pretty much convincing.

James’ ending of the book with Christian and Ana bringing up their kid was perhaps with the intention of pointing out to the power and strength of true love and real passion that never ends or are not supposed to end. After all, the dumping of the book as “mommy porn” by some critics, according to me, is clearly unjustified.

Now, a bit of criticism. I personally believe that Christian Grey could have been a little less talented and lesser rich.  That he has everything under control and can gift anything to his lady love or take her anywhere across the world for he has the money overshadows the genuineness of the desire to give. Anastasia’s inner monologues are fine initially but her continuous references to her sex craving “inner goddess” and a more mature “subconscious” gets boring and monotonous. Moreover, at certain points, I felt like she was a little too insecure in spite of quite a few men including the villain of the story, showing either romantic or sexual interest in her.

That’s it. I can go on discussing it but that would be trying your patience. Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is addictive, impactful and quite one of a kind. And for all those who have loved it, I am sure you are waiting for the movie just as I am looking forward to it.