The Girl in the Toto Rickshaw and a Flash of Memories

Just a week ago, on a certain Sunday, I was returning from a mall a little far from my place after having a hair cut at a beauty salon. Very much like the other days, the monsoon showers had been showing their presence in full swing now and then. Rains are indeed mysterious and so the moment I stepped out of the mall, I could see and feel that a heavy shower had just stopped notwithstanding the fact that it was absolutely sunny just an hour earlier. The terrible road conditions and ongoing road construction works around the place led to quite a messy situation. Autos, rickshaws, buses and the new found toto rickshaws (a mixed breed of auto and rickshaw as perceived by me) were queuing up leading to heavy traffic. I managed to cross the road and was lucky enough to find a toto rickshaw going towards the direction where I live. I got into the vehicle in which an older woman, a young girl and a kid of 3-4 years were already sitting.

The kid seemed to be terrified and extremely worried for some reason. Her innocent and bubbly face exhibited signs of fear and it touched me instantly. From their conversation, I could soon understand that the baby was almost frightened by the water logged streets and the way the small van-like vehicle waded through the waters. I could also guess that the toto was perhaps about to topple while moving through the water-logged parts of the streets. This has instilled so much panic in the little girl that she was not being able to get rid of her fears even though now, there was no water in the streets nor was it raining any more. While the older lady made attempts at making her understand how safe she is, the younger one found this very funny, which was quite obvious of her age.

This small and rather insignificant incidence suddenly brought back a whole lot of memories as though in a flash of moment, memories of my childhood and the awkward, strange fears that I had about certain things.

As a child, I was extremely introvert to the point of avoiding the company of relatives and friends, except for a few really close ones. I was brought up largely by my grandmother and was extremely attached to her. Once, we, my father, mother and I went to a family friend’s place somewhere in Kolkata. It was a get together among the members of Rotary Club, of which my father was and still is an active member.

Although we lived quite far and had to return by taxi (we did not own a car at that time), we could not leave such gatherings before 10 PM as the dinner started not before 9 PM. It was around 8.30 when my parents were busy socializing and I was left with children of my age (8-10 roughly). The weather had been rough since the morning; however, the sky broke in heavy rain with intense thunder and lightning from around 8 PM. The inclement weather outside coupled with the anxiety about our means of getting back home troubled me immensely. I was constantly reminded of my grandmother, felt extremely bothered about the fact that she was alone and would be even more worried if we were late. Being an imaginative kid, I drew an unfavorable picture in my mind and to the surprise of everyone present in the party, I burst out crying.

The uncles and auntys’ were taken aback. My parents gauged that my tears were the results of accumulated tensions. Yet, the reason behind such a reaction was not worthy of being explained to anyone, neither by my parents nor by me. After all, who weeps due to rains and the perceived trouble in getting back home especially when you have your parents with you? The situation eased gradually but the humiliation and the awkwardness left an indelible mark in my memory.

The little girl in the toto reminded me of this and many more of such apparently ridiculous and baseless fears I had.

Today, as I proclaim myself to be an independent woman, capable of looking after myself and providing emotional support to my partner and the respective families, those situations from the past does not make me laugh but actually make me feel victorious. I have overcome not only the trivial fears and anxieties but have also adapted myself to the unpredictability of life. And I owe immensely to my father, who had taken much care to transform me from a shy, introvert girl to an outspoken, reliable lady. The transformation had been so smooth and gradual that I never felt any lack of love and care for the person that I was once upon a time. In fact, even today, I nurture that delicate, soft, insecure and vulnerable corner in my heart (which I hardly let people know about) and it is perhaps because of this that I could relate so strongly to the little girl in the toto.